The Tycoon

Ok, so I promised that I would tell you about all the weirdos in my classes at school and this guy is by far the number one weirdo. I first noticed him on the first day of class because it was pouring outside and he was wearing a clear plastic cowboy-hat-shaped cover over his cowboy hat. Wow, just wow. This is california by the way, not tex-ass or the south. To make matters worse for this guy he happens to have a lisp and something weird about his wubble-u's. He basically talks like a retarded cartoon character. He is taking engineering classes because he is interested in chemical and nuclear engineering, (shiiit) and I swear to god when the teacher passed around a survey about our career goals he wrote "Tycoon".

To make things even more comical he had a friend who I also gave a nickname: fat sandaled kid. This guy is one dull bulb and wearing shorts and sandals while it was pouring rain/snowing was my first clue. My second was this overheard conversation about our class project where we have to build a box to keep an egg from breaking on a two story fall:

The Tycoon: Now, I wonda, if there might exist an egg that is similar in appearance to a chicken egg, if you will, but with a slightly thicka shell.

Fat Sandaled Kid: like an ostrich egg, maybe...

The Tycoon: Now I don't know if that would be convincin' enough, you see?

The Tycoon: What if we created, or engineered, if you will, our own egg. We could find some strong white material and put some yellow goo inside.

Fat Sandaled Kid: like carve it out of marble or something?

The Tycoon: I recon' that may be a bit on the heavy side. How about thrustas.

Fat Sandaled Kid: yeah...

The Tycoon: The device could use compressed air, not so much that it shoots it up, if you will, but just enough to slow its descent.

Fat Sandaled Kid: i guess

The Tycoon: I'll talk to my friend, who is interviewing at NASA, and see about getting some state of the art materials.

Fat Sandaled Kid: alrighty

The Tycoon: Alrighty indeed.

Shrimp Cocktail and Slow Dances

One of the things that I hate most in the world is when I am unexpectedly reminded of a random embarrassing moment from my childhood. It can turn any ordinary day into a depressing suck-fest in a matter of seconds. I try not to let these memories wander into the forefront of my mind, but sometimes they just sneak up on me.

This particular repressed memory came back to me when I hugged a friend of my brother. As a general rule I avoid hugs all together, but every now and then I think to myself "sure, why not, normal people hug and I'm normal, right". When I should be thinking "nothing but awkwardness can come from this". So we hugged and a wave of awkward embarrassment came over me like it was eight grade all over again. His tall and "kooshy" frame reminded me of the big guy who asked me to slow dance at a friends 14th birthday party.

I was spending the whole night scarfing down shrimp cocktail and specifically trying not to dance by walking around like I was on my way somewhere important, possibly the bathroom. I lost my focus, stopped moving my feet for two seconds and some big guy from the band zeroed in on me like an injured gazelle separated from the herd.

Just as a slow song began to play he walked right towards me and asked me to dance, I couldn't make any words come out of my mouth so I just went with it. Suddenly I could feel my face burning red, luckily no one could see because he pretty much shaded me from the world. When he finally realized that the geometry of it wasn't working out (picture a watermelon and a toothpick on the dance floor) he actually picked me up and danced me around the room like a rag doll.

I can't even remember the rest of the party because all I could do was think "what the fuck was that about" and "why me?". Looking back I know he was just trying to be nice and make me feel included, but I have never been the kind person who worries that no one will talk to them at a party or ask them to dance. I am just glad when nothing mortifying happens.