Number 2

I overheard the funniest and most bizarre story today, from a guy in my class, and it would just be selfish of me not to share it.

I was sitting outside my class today, like I always do, watching the shoes go by and eavesdropping on conversations. Guy #1 walks up to his friend and says, "Aww man, I went into the bathroom just now and the broken stall door swung open, like, right in front of me and I saw some random dude taking a dump!" And Guy #2 says, "Just now? Ha ha ha, dude, you know what that reminds me of?" and he just laughs and says, "Yeah, yeah! I know right?"

I was instantly sad that I would never know what it reminded him of, but just in the nick of time Guy #2's girlfriend asks the million dollar question, "I don't get it, what does it remind you of?"

Guy #2: "Oh, well like, senior year, Joel, you know Joel, and I were supposed to go to this award thing because we made the dean's list. Only at the last minute they told me I couldn't get mine because I got on probation. So before we go to this thing we decide to do something crazy, like really crazy-crazy and we went and took a dump in the urinals. So we're squatting there next to each other and just as I'm finishing up I look over at Joel and he had pissed all in his pants, it was like a puddle. I was like, 'dude, what happened' and he was like, 'I guess I forgot to tuck it'. Poor guy forgot to tuck it. Then, because he couldn't go up and get his award thing in front of everybody like that, I had to trade pants with him. So, there I am, walking into the ceremony in my dress shirt, nice shoes and Joel's piss-pants."

Oh. My. GOD! I think I had a small anyurism trying to hold back my laughter. I guess that is true friendship (and the reason I don't have many friends). But, what I don't understand is, how a guy who pissed all over himself while taking a dump in a urinal made the deans list? Amazing, simply amazing.

Like a Sailor

So, you may not be able to tell yet, but I'm a bit pessimistic. One of those glass-half-empty-and-it-smells-funny-too, kind of people. It really boils down to the type of thoughts that go through my head. I can't help it if I think, "oh, for the love of god, I have to empty the dishwasher again" instead of, "yay, clean dishes!"

But on top of all the negative thoughts going through my head, I have a habit of swearing like a sailor, in my head, to myself. I guess it could happen even if I were more optimistic, it would just sound like, "fuck yeah, clean dishes!" But now, I have gotten so used to it that it has started slipping out in everyday conversations.

It started while driving, of course. I get road-rage (sometimes while I'm not even in my car) and I swear and shake my fist at just about everybody who gets in my way. I started shaking my fist at people because it is slightly less offensive than flipping people off, and you can only flip of so many little old ladies before you start to question yourself. Old people tend to understand the fist shake better, instead of looking shocked most of them shake their fist back. At that point it is a challenge to see who can shake harder. I usually win.

I had a job where I worked with kids, so that kept my swearing habit in line for a while. Instead I would say things like "I don't want to have to give you a warning" and "am I going to have to have a talk with your mom." I even got a 'mom voice'. My boyfriend would say, "why is your voice like that" and I would have to remember that even if I did want to give him a warning, I wasn't at work and didn't have to talk like that.

I don't work with kids anymore, which is a good thing because my swearing habit has really gotten out of hand lately. I made up a rule, when I was a kid, that if we (my brother and I) heard our parents say a swear word, that word was fair game for the rest of the day. I have especially fond memories of exploring every variety of the word 'shit' on the way to school after my mom let one slip when she slammed the cats tail in the car door.

My cousins are just getting to the age where appreciate swear words, so my brother and I taught them the rule and we had one of the crudest Christmases yet. It took my youngest cousin a while to get up the courage but when he did the look on my aunts face was priceless, I have a feeling she is going to be more careful about what slips out.