Mask White

I must be a strange breed, I'm a female in my twenties who doesn't wear makeup or perfume, I don't dye my hair and I don't get my nails done. I don't even go to a salon to get my hair cut. Most of the time I feel like all this is a good thing, it saves me a lot of time and money. But, it also means that I am entirely clueless when it comes to these things.

Back in November I was a bridesmaid at my sister-in-laws wedding and she gave us cute tote bags filled with all these samples of fancy beauty products. There were skin toners, face creams, cuticle cream, night repair hair cream, and a few other things that I am not even sure what to do with.

This morning I woke up and thought, "hey, my face has been clearing up, maybe I should reward it with some fancy face cream". I dug through my drawer and found a little pouch that looked the least intimidating. It simply read "mask white" and on the back it said "exfoliating". Looked easy enough, it didn't even need instructions. So I washed my face and thought I would just let this white cream sit on my face for a sec, then wash it off. Right?

Boy was I wrong. I tore open the little pouch and it was filled with a thick, sticky, black goo. I dabbed it all over my face, but began to question if it was even supposed go on the face, I mean what if it was a small sample of shoe polish or hair dye? I was only assuming it was ment for the face. I tried to wash it off my hands so I could consult the packaging again but it was so thick and sticky that it took nearly 10 minutes to scrub off. Surgeons don't even wash their hands that long.

I looked at the package again. "Exfoliating", I doubt that is entirely truthful. I'm no expert, but I expect anything labeled exfoliating to be kind of scratchy to do accomplish the exfoliation. This stuff was just sticky as shit, which means the exfoliating occurs when I scrub my face to death for 20 minutes. They should call that "exfoliating inducing."

Just to be sure that my skin got the full effect of the shoe polish on my face I let it sit a while longer while I folded some laundry. My cat, Grey Kitty, hopped up on the bed because she loves to sleep on warm clean clothes, but she wasn't prepared for my new look. She got startled, hissed at me, then hid under the bed.

My face was starting to feel like spandex on a fat lady's thighs so I went back to the bathroom. The mask cream had completely dried and apparently tried to shrink. A light bulb went off in my head that instead of washing it off I should peel it off. That started out good until I got to the delicate skin under my eyes. Which made it look (and feel) like I was peeling my own face off. I also made a mental note to avoid my eyebrows next time because I will be spending the rest of the day picking black tar out of them. Fun.

So I learned a lot already this morning. Like dont trust anything without instructions, especially anything called "mask white" that is actually black as tar. Boy do I feel like chump.